28 July 2004
I still can't believe I'm actually going to do this. I've been in talks with Justin for weeks, but today is crunch time. He wants an answer.
I know what I'm getting into. I'm not being suckered into something against my will. There's no indoctrination, no influencing going on. The decision I make is mine, and mine alone.
And I know if I take up Justin's offer, my life will change. I'm ready for it. Starting a new job always involves change, but of course this isn't just any job. This is a vocation. It's something I've always wanted, deep down. Although I've never admitted it to myself. It fits me, it matches who I am inside.
It looks like I've made the decision already…
I know it's the right thing to do. I've been so bored lately. All those stuffy shirt meetings stocked with ill-prepared individuals with just a modicum of talent. Caring more for political points gathering than genuine progress.
And then there's been Ellie. I love her, but she just seems so caught up in her work. She's got no time for me lately. I don't feel like I'm the important one in her life anymore.
For the past fourteen years we've been inseparable. She's always been there for me, but since starting Cloud Nine Tech, she's only had time for the business. I realise she needs to focus on building something from nothing. But I feel I've been shut out of part of her life.
I know it's selfish, but right now, I need something for me. I need to feel excited, feel wanted, and feel like I care about my career again.
Stuck in my job. It's become the same old shit day in day out. I sit in those meetings, listening to all their crap, their inane discourse dripping from their lips and I just want to scream. And when I come up with all the answers, as I invariably do, some other official takes the credit. There's only so much of that I can take. Justin's seen that.
I go into those meetings, and half the time I just want to kill someone. Really kill someone, strangle, stab, shoot, whatever the method, I just feel I need to do it. Especially when they don't listen to what I say, when they put lives at risk through rushed weapons tests just to get their money rolling in. Nowadays, I don't bother with diplomacy. I just explode, telling them what I think. Always eloquently, of course, but my raw anger is still there, still visibly defined.
Justin’s seen that too.
He said he wants to develop me, show me how I can channel my anger, and use it for the good of the country. And the stuff he said I'd do. It all sounds incredible. I shouldn't even be waiting. I should be jumping in. The problem is Ellie.
If I start I can't tell her anything. Not just yet anyway. They said maybe later, or maybe not. Depends upon future circumstances. I know they've done their checks on her. They would've had to, before we got down to the real talking. They know she's clean.
What I can talk about is the offer that’s on the table from the Foreign Office. It'll be my cover job. A senior government official in science innovations with lots of overseas travel.
Justin said not to worry about Ellie, she's too busy anyway. He said she'd be pleased for me, for my new career break.
I think he's right. It's just lying to Ellie won't come easily. We share everything. Well, we used to before she got obsessed with... Ah fuck it!
I'm going to do it!
Justin's right. It's what I need. To feel alive. To live again.